it’s been a tough weekend.

a couple of weeks ago, hubby contracted a cold.  the cold went away, but left him with a lung infection.  he went to the doctors (the first time in at least 5 years – hubby is not a man who gets sick often – not even manflu) since the pain was such and located in such a place that i began to fear it was his heart.  now, hubby is only 45, but he has been smoking since he was 9 years old, and his grandad had a dicky heart and…well…i’m a worrier.  so off he went.

doc said lung infection, and also that H has high blood pressure, though it’s still not certain and he has to go for an ECG and ultrasound chest scan next week. *worries a bit more*

hubby thought it was about time he did a little something to give his body a hand to heal.  so last monday, he stopped smoking.

he’s given up before.  he gave up for about a year, a couple of years ago.  but it did not help that i was still smoking, even though i went outside to do it.  but he did it for a year, and felt better.  he didn’t cough in the mornings, his circulation was better, he didn’t get so much whitefinger, nor pins and needles in his hands and feet.  but eventually, he gave in to temptation and started smoking again.  at least half my fault, because i’m a selfish nicotine addict.

so this time, since there is genuine reason to fear for his health, i have tried to stop smoking at home, too, in the hope that if he’s reminded of it as little as possible, it might be a little easier for him.  i refuse to stop smoking at work, but this is for my own reasons.

it’s been very, very hard.  fortunately, we have both been very aware that people with nicotine withdrawal can be very, very grumpy and snappish, so we are trying very hard not to be – to smooth over the snappiness when we notice it.  this seems to be working quite well.  i can just about manage not to smoke in the evenings after work, but the weekend…?  i am not coping well with the cravings induced by not smoking at all.  yesterday, in fact, i broke down in tears.  i was ashamed of myself, but i did.  and then i had to admit defeat and go smoke. and i was pretty miserable last night, too.

i want to take a moment here to apologise to @miss_rosie, who has endured my whinging about this in both snail- and e-mail, and now blog post.

sorry, hon.   😦

outwardly, hubby appears to be coping much better.  but then, i do not think that i have ever met a more quietly stubborn person in my life.  apart, perhaps, from my stepchildren.  but that’s another story entirely…

i realise that i am not going to do this if i just say “Nope – no more smoking.  Nuh-uh!”  because that immediately makes me want one and, perversely, i will smoke more.  so i have to give myself permission to smoke.  sneaking one if i can manage it or, if not, twice a day.  once when i get up, and once at about five or six pm, to get me through the evening.