it’s been six days since i last had a cigarette.  six days.  such a short time, yet it seems like forever.  not because i’ve been suffering constant cravings, but because its been there in the back of my mind the whole time.  break times at work, morning before i go in, after meals…  there are times when it is so deeply ingrained in my routine that “now it’s time for a smoke – oh goody!” i get a sort of mini-crash.  and almost every time, i think,

“Just one won’t hurt, surely?”

but i would just be fooling myself.  i know myself well enough by now to know that the second i give myself permision for “Just one,” it all comes tumbling down.  perhaps not immediately, but it will.  because for the past six days, i have been starving the nicotine receptors in my brain (look, i know this is pseudo-science, all right?  it was a long time ago when it was explained to me, and i don’t want to go looking it up because, perversely, i feel that would be too tempting.)

(aside: i have been carrying around a half-full pouch of tobacco as a sort of “safety net” since i stopped.  because it just seemed so final to throw it away. i’ve just given it to Hubby to dispose of.  i can’t do it myself. *slurps tea in slightly neurotic manner*)

anyway – i have spent the last six days depriving those receptors, and shrivelling the pathways.  they’re not dead yet, not by any means.  and they may never die.  i know, though, that “Just one” at this stage would be disastrous.  the withdrawal of permission to smoke has to be complete, or it opens psychological pathways and loopholes, not to mention i’ll have to go through nicotine withdrawal all over again.

i was trying to come up with blog prompts for fellow-blogger Becky, the other day, and i came up with:

“what super power would you like, and which one do you already have ? (e.g. mine is whinging)”

i was wrong.  well – not completely right, anyway.  mine is not just whinging.  it’s fooling myself.  and that is yet another thing that has to stop.  i can’t afford to fool myself any longer.