und so…  the final chapter in this mini-epic.  current projects are:

  • editing Martha’s Gift
  • knitting my mum’s christmas present, which has already been promised, but is taking FOREVAH!, despite being a simple moss-stitch scarf (it’s twice as wide as normal, and knitting makes my eyes tired and i get RSI if i’m not careful – i have a touch of the carpal tunnels…).
  • reeeeeeading!!!  it has been so, so long since i actually read anything for a sustained period of time.  anything at all.  i have to rediscover the habit, since reading is at the root of my creative drive, before anything else.
  • painting my nails.  no – don’t laugh.  i’m not just talking slapping a colour on and letting it dry, here.  i currently find nail art inspiring, and i refuse to ignore inspiration – whatever shape or size it comes in.  search me out on instagram (or Twitter) if you want to see my first stumbling forays into a sphere of endless possibilities for decoration and art in miniature.
  • blogging.  i miss the outlet.  so many times, my brain begins to whirr, and i think “Oh! I should blog about that!” or, “Oh, i’d love to write about that!” or, “Jeez, will this fucking thought ever get out of my HEAD?!?!”.  and then i get distracted, or i’m too tired, or my evening just slips away…

the barriers to this?

  • my own goddamned laziness!
  • no schedule whatsoever.
  • the crippling guilt that comes when i’m enjoying something, and i think “Oh, but i should be doing X, Y,or Z instead…”   N.B.   X, Y, and Z – plus all of the other letters – can be anything from cleaning the toilet (used as an avatar for allllll housework, which i loathe) to other-enjoyable-activity which i really ought to be getting on with as i enjoy it and have neglected it far too long.
  • memory loss.  i forget when i should be doing stuff.
  • being emotionally and mentally exhausted, as i am currently working the phones at work and it is STRESSING. ME. THE. FUCK. OUT!!!
  • other stuff (ranging from good stuff on TV to archery in the back garden with Hubby)
  • being easily distracted.  for instance, i currently have my brand-new DVD of Elbow playing The Seldom Seen Kid at Abbey Road Studios with the BBC Symphony Orchestra and Chantage choir playing in another window.  the sublime beauty of this music, and the expressions on the faces of those playing it is very hard to resist) (plus, i have a giant crush on their singer, Guy Garvey) (dammit! >.<)

what can i do about this?

tricky question.  the sensible thing would, of course, be to do some scheduling and stick to it.  however, i am well aware that irl, this ain’t gonna work for me.  for instance, i anm currently half-way through a blog post, but the temptation to paint my nails and watch the DVD ar eproving almost impossible to resist.  especially since if i want to do it properly, even the simplest design takes ages, as it all has to dry properly between layers.  however, here is my plan:

the only thing that absolutely MUST be done without fail is my mum’s scarf.  so that can have at least half an hour per day/evening until it is done.  the rest will have to have some time devoted to them.  one thing at a time, per day.  except for blogging.  that will happen as and when.  but i will try and keep notes in my draft folder when ideas strike, so when the time or need comes for writing, i will (hopefully) not be short of ideas.  because creativity and self-expression go hand-in-hand, and fiction or non-fiction, the act of writing is (i am coming to realise/internalise) the important thing for me.  the content will, i hope, evolve over time.

after all, i’m far too lazy to put any effort into learning how to get better.  that’s a long-term thing and i am, as ever, not convinced that anything i write would be worth the effort, anyway.